Ever had a terrible feeling of guilt? The kind that makes your stomach churn and your head ache?

For many reasons that I won't get into, I had to put Sin down Tuesday night.

Chris helped me, went with me to the emergency vet in Peoria and even paid for it (in more ways than one). Poor Sinner, who thought he was just going on another trip, went inside willingly. As we waited for the doctor to come in, he sat in front of Chris as I cried like a baby. I had to fill out papers, kleenex in one hand and a pen in the other, all the while my dog looking around as if on a new adventure.

Eventually the doctor came in, talked to us, then led us to a big table that Sin walked up on, and as they raised it, Chris held onto him, assuring him he was going to be ok. Then, with his arm around his neck and another around his torso, Chris talked to Sin as the doctor readied his syringe. I did my best, but between words like "good boy" and "it's ok," my crying was turning into sobs, yet he didn't seemed frightened. At one point he looked up at the light that hung from the ceiling, just a curious puppy to the last.

...and as the doctor told us he was ready, I petted my baby, telling him how good he was over and over, his eyes so trusting. If he felt the needle, he never showed it; no whine, no whimper, no yelp or growl. He seemed to get sleepy, then just relaxed in Chris' arms. As he carefully lay Sin down on the table, I saw that Chris was crying, running his hand over Sin's neck, and the vet left us alone.

I'm sorry, Sin...I miss you.
posted by Wanting at 10:50 PM