Ever had a terrible feeling of guilt? The kind that makes your stomach churn and your head ache?

For many reasons that I won't get into, I had to put Sin down Tuesday night.

Chris helped me, went with me to the emergency vet in Peoria and even paid for it (in more ways than one). Poor Sinner, who thought he was just going on another trip, went inside willingly. As we waited for the doctor to come in, he sat in front of Chris as I cried like a baby. I had to fill out papers, kleenex in one hand and a pen in the other, all the while my dog looking around as if on a new adventure.

Eventually the doctor came in, talked to us, then led us to a big table that Sin walked up on, and as they raised it, Chris held onto him, assuring him he was going to be ok. Then, with his arm around his neck and another around his torso, Chris talked to Sin as the doctor readied his syringe. I did my best, but between words like "good boy" and "it's ok," my crying was turning into sobs, yet he didn't seemed frightened. At one point he looked up at the light that hung from the ceiling, just a curious puppy to the last.

...and as the doctor told us he was ready, I petted my baby, telling him how good he was over and over, his eyes so trusting. If he felt the needle, he never showed it; no whine, no whimper, no yelp or growl. He seemed to get sleepy, then just relaxed in Chris' arms. As he carefully lay Sin down on the table, I saw that Chris was crying, running his hand over Sin's neck, and the vet left us alone.

I'm sorry, Sin...I miss you.
posted by Wanting at 10:50 PM

 
I was reading Seamus' post about the hummingbird (go look...he got some great pictures), and I thought of how I haven't been "into" the birds around here for the past year or so.

I used to make sure I had plenty of seed for them, all these feeders hanging everywhere, suet cakes in the winter, yet lately it just seems like I don't care. I would get all kinds of birds, woodpeckers and juncos (you usually see those only in the winter), house finches and cardinals...all that red on a snowy day is so beautiful. I hate to say this, but the starlings are even welcome here...they have such a beautiful song at times...but I think people hate them so much they overlook that.

I've tried to attract the hummingbirds (yellow finches, too, but they don't seem to like this neighborhood), but I've yet to see any here.

Eversince I was cured (I don't call it remission...they say it's gone, it's gone...if it comes back, then it's back), it seems a lot of things have gotten put aside, and I don't know why. Doc says that it takes several years to bounce back; chemo destroys both good and bad stuff inside, messes with your immune system, and that also takes a long time to heal.

I have always been a procrastinator, but after all this it's gotten really bad. Maybe I'm just making excuses, but I can't get the mindset I used to have. I am very grateful that I am alive. I look at life differently, now. When I get the usual problems with bills or something else happens that used to get me upset, I either get over it a lot quicker, or don't get upset about it at all. The only things that ARE the same are my emotions...(no comment, please...you know who are..)

I don't want to clean my house...I don't want to keep the feeders going...I hardly ever cook...I feel lazy, and I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel icky (sorry, that's the only way I can describe it), sometimes I feel depressed, in spite of the fact I take medicine for that. The medicine does work, but I'm thinking that at times like that, I just get to thinking about the past with the ex, and I can't help feeling regret.

So now, next week I am taking my chessie, Sin, to meet a man and his chessie. They both lost his other dog, and are very sad about it. He lives out in the country, on two acres of fenced in land. He has a heated garage that will always be available to the dogs in the dead of winter. I am told he is a very nice man, and if Sin and his dog get along, he will go to live with them.

Sin will be happier...he can't play with Fed because he hurts him. He'll have a play buddy and room to run...he'll be happy there. I made a mistake getting a big dog, especially since I can't get my own shit together. But at least I'm making it right.
posted by Wanting at 8:23 AM