I was reading Seamus' post about the hummingbird (go look...he got some great pictures), and I thought of how I haven't been "into" the birds around here for the past year or so.

I used to make sure I had plenty of seed for them, all these feeders hanging everywhere, suet cakes in the winter, yet lately it just seems like I don't care. I would get all kinds of birds, woodpeckers and juncos (you usually see those only in the winter), house finches and cardinals...all that red on a snowy day is so beautiful. I hate to say this, but the starlings are even welcome here...they have such a beautiful song at times...but I think people hate them so much they overlook that.

I've tried to attract the hummingbirds (yellow finches, too, but they don't seem to like this neighborhood), but I've yet to see any here.

Eversince I was cured (I don't call it remission...they say it's gone, it's gone...if it comes back, then it's back), it seems a lot of things have gotten put aside, and I don't know why. Doc says that it takes several years to bounce back; chemo destroys both good and bad stuff inside, messes with your immune system, and that also takes a long time to heal.

I have always been a procrastinator, but after all this it's gotten really bad. Maybe I'm just making excuses, but I can't get the mindset I used to have. I am very grateful that I am alive. I look at life differently, now. When I get the usual problems with bills or something else happens that used to get me upset, I either get over it a lot quicker, or don't get upset about it at all. The only things that ARE the same are my emotions...(no comment, please...you know who are..)

I don't want to clean my house...I don't want to keep the feeders going...I hardly ever cook...I feel lazy, and I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel icky (sorry, that's the only way I can describe it), sometimes I feel depressed, in spite of the fact I take medicine for that. The medicine does work, but I'm thinking that at times like that, I just get to thinking about the past with the ex, and I can't help feeling regret.

So now, next week I am taking my chessie, Sin, to meet a man and his chessie. They both lost his other dog, and are very sad about it. He lives out in the country, on two acres of fenced in land. He has a heated garage that will always be available to the dogs in the dead of winter. I am told he is a very nice man, and if Sin and his dog get along, he will go to live with them.

Sin will be happier...he can't play with Fed because he hurts him. He'll have a play buddy and room to run...he'll be happy there. I made a mistake getting a big dog, especially since I can't get my own shit together. But at least I'm making it right.
posted by Wanting at 8:23 AM