Ever had a terrible feeling of guilt? The kind that makes your stomach churn and your head ache?

For many reasons that I won't get into, I had to put Sin down Tuesday night.

Chris helped me, went with me to the emergency vet in Peoria and even paid for it (in more ways than one). Poor Sinner, who thought he was just going on another trip, went inside willingly. As we waited for the doctor to come in, he sat in front of Chris as I cried like a baby. I had to fill out papers, kleenex in one hand and a pen in the other, all the while my dog looking around as if on a new adventure.

Eventually the doctor came in, talked to us, then led us to a big table that Sin walked up on, and as they raised it, Chris held onto him, assuring him he was going to be ok. Then, with his arm around his neck and another around his torso, Chris talked to Sin as the doctor readied his syringe. I did my best, but between words like "good boy" and "it's ok," my crying was turning into sobs, yet he didn't seemed frightened. At one point he looked up at the light that hung from the ceiling, just a curious puppy to the last.

...and as the doctor told us he was ready, I petted my baby, telling him how good he was over and over, his eyes so trusting. If he felt the needle, he never showed it; no whine, no whimper, no yelp or growl. He seemed to get sleepy, then just relaxed in Chris' arms. As he carefully lay Sin down on the table, I saw that Chris was crying, running his hand over Sin's neck, and the vet left us alone.

I'm sorry, Sin...I miss you.
posted by Wanting at 10:50 PM

 
I was reading Seamus' post about the hummingbird (go look...he got some great pictures), and I thought of how I haven't been "into" the birds around here for the past year or so.

I used to make sure I had plenty of seed for them, all these feeders hanging everywhere, suet cakes in the winter, yet lately it just seems like I don't care. I would get all kinds of birds, woodpeckers and juncos (you usually see those only in the winter), house finches and cardinals...all that red on a snowy day is so beautiful. I hate to say this, but the starlings are even welcome here...they have such a beautiful song at times...but I think people hate them so much they overlook that.

I've tried to attract the hummingbirds (yellow finches, too, but they don't seem to like this neighborhood), but I've yet to see any here.

Eversince I was cured (I don't call it remission...they say it's gone, it's gone...if it comes back, then it's back), it seems a lot of things have gotten put aside, and I don't know why. Doc says that it takes several years to bounce back; chemo destroys both good and bad stuff inside, messes with your immune system, and that also takes a long time to heal.

I have always been a procrastinator, but after all this it's gotten really bad. Maybe I'm just making excuses, but I can't get the mindset I used to have. I am very grateful that I am alive. I look at life differently, now. When I get the usual problems with bills or something else happens that used to get me upset, I either get over it a lot quicker, or don't get upset about it at all. The only things that ARE the same are my emotions...(no comment, please...you know who are..)

I don't want to clean my house...I don't want to keep the feeders going...I hardly ever cook...I feel lazy, and I hate that feeling. Sometimes I feel icky (sorry, that's the only way I can describe it), sometimes I feel depressed, in spite of the fact I take medicine for that. The medicine does work, but I'm thinking that at times like that, I just get to thinking about the past with the ex, and I can't help feeling regret.

So now, next week I am taking my chessie, Sin, to meet a man and his chessie. They both lost his other dog, and are very sad about it. He lives out in the country, on two acres of fenced in land. He has a heated garage that will always be available to the dogs in the dead of winter. I am told he is a very nice man, and if Sin and his dog get along, he will go to live with them.

Sin will be happier...he can't play with Fed because he hurts him. He'll have a play buddy and room to run...he'll be happy there. I made a mistake getting a big dog, especially since I can't get my own shit together. But at least I'm making it right.
posted by Wanting at 8:23 AM

 
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

...for those of you in a down home, touchy-feely way, all warm and snuggly, watch It's A Wonderful Life...







...if you're feeling a bit cranky, Scrooged is the film for you...






..however, if it's one f those "family" Christmases where
EVERYONE should be somewhere else because NO ONE likes ANYONE...





posted by Wanting at 6:09 PM

 
Watched a movie today that has been out a while...BLOODY SUNDAY..


What a sad people the human race has become...

http://www.larkspirit.com/bloodysunday/



posted by Wanting at 3:48 PM

 
I woke up this morning to an all too familiar smell.

Fed seems to just lay where he's at when he feels the call of nature. I guess it's easier for him. His arthritis must be worse in the mornings or anytime after a long rest.

Yet when I get out of bed he's suddenly all smiles and has an urgent need to go outside, his tail wagging the way it always has, an almost puppy-like enthusiasm about his day. He even gets a little skip in his creaky old step, and about five minutes into yard patrol he is ready to come back in. A dog that hardly ever made a sound his whole life now commences with his old man-dog bark, a high pitched, annoying squawk that it seems he never tires of. So I open the door for him, waiting as he makes his way up the steps. Of course, as usual, he's just happy to be back inside.

I've noticed he seems to hover, standing to watch as I do things, as if he's going to miss something. I imagine that's because he's nearly blind, trying to see things that he used to see so clearly.

Sin isn't allowed around him anymore; he's just too rough with him. One day when Sin got away from me, he barreled into Federal like a steam engine, and from the yelp I heard and the way Fed hit the ground I thought for sure he'd hurt him. I wanted to kill Sin for that, even though all he wanted was to play. Luckily Fed wasn't hurt as bad as it seemed.


He will be fourteen on Valentine's day, and I honestly don't think it will be much longer than that. Some days he just looks up at me, looking tired and so frail, but he manages to stand when I talk to him.

Isn't it amazing how you can love a creature so much?
posted by Wanting at 9:04 AM

 

If this doesn't make one wonder what we can do...
posted by Wanting at 10:48 PM

 
..so...there was this little wintery storm yesterday....and having such a good work ethic, I decided to go to work...and after several attempts of getting out of my drive, I did it! All that snow will NOT keep me from my job...but getting stuck in the road will.

After two hours of digging, along with the help of a ten year old that I paid $10 to (he never asked, just started to help me) and his grandfather, we managed to get the truck back onto my drive...barely, so the plow trucks could do their job (that's a bit of an oxymoron). Now I'm back out to finish digging so I can get back into my garage...or the store...oh, and work...I may even go in today...

Then again, maybe not.


posted by Wanting at 11:28 AM